6/12/2023 R-E-S-P-E-C-T
I clipped my fingernails the other day, and the next day, I noticed some soreness in my thumb and came to realize that I had clipped the nail a little too short. When I realized this, it got me to thinking back to the conversation I've been talking about recently regarding parenting. I really don't think childrens' positions are given any respect, and that was what I said to enter into the conversation. It's always, "Do what I say because I said so." My brother and I were given this reason a great many times in our adolescence. I guess it's an effective way of getting your kid to shut the fuck up because you're bigger than them and can use physical force to stop them from doing whatever it is you don't want them to do, and "Because I said so" says all of this.
Going forward with my thoughts that began when I realized I'd clipped my nail too short: I thought to myself, as a parent, you're probably clipping your kid's nails for awhile until they develop the fine motor skills to be able to do it themselves. This was my experience anyway, so let's go with it. I thought of children making their own decisions--to clip their own fingernails, to get a tattoo, or to "be a mortician when they grow up." Part of the aforementioned conversation saw the volunteer grilling me about "at what age is a child ready to make their own decisions then?" I think it depends on the child, and it depends on the decision being made. It depends not one iota upon when the parent thinks the child is ready. If the parent sees a danger to the child, then they should speak up for the child's sake, and if the child trusts the parent, then they will probably take the parent's advice. The problem here is that parents, more often than not, I find, construe something that will bring social embarrassment to the parent as something that is a danger to the child, they know this--that the child is in no danger, but they can't stand the thought of suffering the social embarrassment, so they come up with "Because I said so." as their final reasoning as to why the child should not embark on the activity in question. "I mean, if I went 'round sayin' I was an emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!"
I imagined how this fingernail clipping scenario might play out in the real world, that is, the world where the laws that humans cook up don't exist. Where social embarrassment comes from things that are actually embarrassing like repressing your fellow humans. I thought the parent might say to the developing child as they're having a nail-clipping session one day, "Now, whenever you want to try this for yourself, feel free. You don't have to wait for me to do it for you." This way, the child knows that the parent is only clipping the kid's nails because it's what they think is good for the kid--and the kid is free to make their own decisions as to how to best take care of themselves.
I was relating this to Adam when he added, "People of all ages ask for advice from other people." I think he really hit the nail on the head there. Your kid wants a tattoo? It's their decision to make. If they want your advice, they'll ask for it. Your car is making a klanking sound, but you're not experienced with engines or catalytic converters? You'll probably ask some experienced mechanics for their opinions so that you can determine the cause of the klanking sound and get it resolved if needed. It starts early with things like nail-clipping and continues throughout the entire life with the child developing into an adult and seeking the advice of others, or not as they see fit, with any decision the person ends up making. Me clipping my nail too short doesn't make me an incompetent adult. I just wasn't paying close enough attention, and that's one thing that can happen. The nail grew out, and I'm fine. Your kid gets a tattoo when they're 15 and 20 years later wishes they hadn't gotten it? Get it removed, get it covered with a different tattoo, live with the decision and keep it as a reminder of the lesson they learned about making decisions before all the facts are in. Life goes on. The child is the one in charge of determining when they are ready to make these decisions. Parents just get scared that the child is going to make a decision that will disgrace them, so they act like they're worried about the child's well-being, and they become control freaks, effectively making every decision on the child's behalf. This can lead to a downward spiral of the child never developing any kind of reasoning skills or decision making skills. Always dependent upon an elder to make the decisions for them, then suddenly shoved out from under the "protection" of the parents because that's how it is in that society: sink or swim, but the child never learned to swim because the parent never allowed it. Comments are closed.
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