6/3/2023 Consider Saying...
Speaking generally of children "acting out," or otherwise behaving in a way that makes their parents want to "sit down and have the discussion," I think that for the most part, the behavior is a manifestation of the psychological effect of the environment. Using the girl and father from my previous post as an example, when she sent him the picture of the henna tattoo then didn't reply to his question, "Is that permanent?" for an hour, like I said before, I think she knew what she was doing. The tattoo itself might not have been an act of defiance; lots of people enjoy decorating their bodies with inks and stains, permanent or otherwise, and she knew that with it not being permanent, her father wouldn't have any objections. When he found out it was henna, he didn't seem to mind, but he still would like for her to have discussed it with him first. At 15, she was probably able to predict all of this. She was "allowed," and she knew she wouldn't need permission first. This notion of the parents wanting to have discussions with their children before their children make decisions is presented as an opportunity for the child to benefit from the supposedly more advanced wisdom of the parent. I think it's really a disguise for making sure your kid isn't going to do something you don't want them to do. "Is that permanent?" says a lot more than just those three words.
Newsflash: in nature, the consequence of a decorative application of ink to the skin is a decorative application of ink to the skin. God doesn't strike you down for getting a tattoo. People do.
This reminds me a bit of a newsletter I once received from the organization called WarmShowers. To briefly summarize: WarmShowers is an online community that connects touring cyclists with potential hosts for a night or two as the cyclists make their tour. On the website, hosts can write reviews of guests, and guests can write reviews of hosts. The newsletter in question brought up the issue of how to write a review of a bad experience. They gave several examples, and I don't remember them anymore, so I'll just improvise.
What Not To Say: Our host worked until 6pm, and we arrived at 5pm starving, stinky, and sweaty. There was no spare key, so we had to wait a whole hour before they got home to get in and shower. Then we had to make our own dinner and wash the sheets ourselves the next morning when we just wanted to get back on the road. Consider Saying: Our host seemed to lead a busy lifestyle, so this stay was more of a "do it yourself" style of hospitality. For security reasons, they do not keep a spare key outside the house, so if you arrive a little earlier than expected, be sure to grab a bite to eat on the way. What Not To Say: Our guest was homeless, drank all of our beer without offering to pay for any of it, stayed up until 3 am playing music on his phone, and we think he brought bedbugs in with him!! DO NOT ACCEPT THIS GUEST!!!!! Consider Saying: Our guest seemed to be on an endless tour. He is fond of beer and music, so if you accept him into your home, be prepared for an energetic time. You might want to make sure you have a washer and dryer and shower to offer him first thing. What Not To Say: That better not be permanent because if it is, there will be consequences. Consider Saying: Is that permanent? As if the parent has the omnipotence to know what "the consequence" is for a decorative application of ink to the skin. Newsflash: in nature, the consequence of a decorative application of ink to the skin is a decorative application of ink to the skin. God doesn't strike you down for getting a tattoo. People do. People who pretend that god has spoken to them and have deluded themselves into thinking they know what god's will is for all other people. "Is that permanent?" implies "You should have discussed this with me first because even though I want to present the guise of being the type of parent who lets their child make their own decisions, I'd really rather you discuss everything with me first because I want to make sure that you aren't going to do anything that negatively affects my social standing." "Is that permanent?" implies "Even though I know you are smart enough to form your own opinions about the direction of your life and your general life choices, I'm legally required to force you to obey the law and I construe that as forcing my own ideals upon you because I pretend that I don't know any better." "Is that permanent?" implies "If that is permanent, I am going to suffer the social consequences, but I will enjoy the sympathy I get when I spin it to look like you did this on purpose to hurt me." The father's response came from a mixture of fear and a desire to force conformity that will be denied until the day he dies. When someone oppresses you, typically you become angry and hurt, and you want to escape. In many cases, the desire for retaliation arises, and most of the time, it is reinforced through subtle behaviors. People come home and complain to their spouses about their bosses, and in a fit of releasing anger, they say outrageous things that they mostly won't carry out involving things like bodily harm to their bosses. The children hear this, and they know what the words mean, they're not stupid. "Mommy, is Daddy really going to push Mr. Jenkins in front of a bus?" "No sweetie, Daddy was just angry." And now the child has learned that when they experience anger, the desire to want to push someone in front of a bus, and say so, is normal. Sometimes they come back with a machine gun and open fire. That's why security escorts people out and is put on alert for a few days afterward. Now that I think about it, I suppose it's possible that her lack of response for an hour wasn't a premeditated intention to hurt him. Maybe it was more the effect of her sadness and pain at having her happiness turned to dust yet again by the man who claims to have her best interests in mind. The more likely scenario is that regardless of whether the tattoo itself was an act of defiance, her sending him a picture then letting him dangle for an hour was. After all, as Adam reminded me, "15 year old girl" is pretty well outside the category of "Hey dad, look what I got" with the intention of sharing her excitement and then getting crushed by the response. Either way, it is a reaction to the environment she is in: one where she is not allowed by law to make her own decisions, and he got what he deserved. The natural consequence of oppressing your daughter is that your daughter will distrust you, and rightly so, and do things that are against your will for the simple fact that they are against your will. You said you didn't want to impose your will upon your child, but you did anyway, and now, they're not doing your will, just like you said you wanted, but they're not even doing their own will. They're just doing things that aren't your will, regardless of if it's theirs or not. So either way, you've now successfully erased the person that was your child from existence. Further evidence that she was reflecting the environment around her is exemplified by the fact that at some point later, hours, days, I don't know, she texted him a question, and he waited not one, but two hours to reply to her. Here we see the father going out of his way to take a jab at his daughter in retaliation for the pain she caused him previously. We can see where she gets it from. He then asked her, "How did it feel to be left hanging without a response?" to which she replied, "I didn't like it very much." Thinking that he was teaching her a valuable life lesson, he said, "Now you know how I felt when you didn't get back to me." He was teaching her a lesson alright, but not the one he thinks he is. All she learned was that her noose has just tightened a little bit more, and if she doesn't immediately respond to her father's demands, no matter what they are, he will punish her, and the punishments will only grow in severity with time. So you can see, if she did this purposely, she is really only behaving how she will be expected to behave as a grownup: punishing other people for the crime of not doing things the way she want them to. Really, he should have congratulated her. As it is, people can't stand seeing their reflections because they know how ugly they are, but they don't want to admit their guilt. It's painful, I know, but instead of behaving like adults and admitting their atrocities, they choose to behave like chimpanzees, and they punish people who act as the mirror. Comments are closed.
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