5/23/2021 Zoo-nope-ia
Earlier this year, I read an article from 2019 about a "celebrity" tortoise "couple" that "broke up" after over 100 years together. Quotes to imply the anthropomorphism of it all. So apparently both tortoises hatched in the late 19th century and in the 1970s were moved from their birthplace, Switzerland, to a reptile zoo in Austria. First off, I'd just like to point out how very far away central Europe is from their native South American island habitat. The story goes that when one of the keepers was approaching their habitat one day, Bibi, the female, suddenly lurched at Poldi, the male, biting his shell. While tortoises don't have teeth to speak of, they do have a jagged ridge-like jaw and are capable of killing. Bibi actually drew blood. This happened back in 2011. Apparently it "shocked the world," but this was the first I was hearing of it. The zookeepers then spent 8 years...EIGHT YEARS...trying to force the tortoises to "reconcile." They tried everything they could think of--they even implemented a synthetic decoy tortoise in hopes that Poldi would be comforted and Bibi would...I dunno, rediscover her love of "romantic tomato-eating" or something. Tortoises like tomatoes. No dice. I guess a lot of publications made a big deal out of it, projecting Hollywood romance fantasy onto the creatures, calling it a tragedy and all sorts of things like that. TIME magazine, which by the way, named Adolf Hitler "Person of the Year" twice, said something to the effect of, "If these tortoises can't make it work, then what chance do we have?" I'm not even sure where to begin identifying how fucked up that statement is. You want tortoises, whose natural tendencies are polyamorous, to stay together against their will so that you can justify the unnaturalness of your institute of marriage. Two wrongs don't make a right.
That's right. I did a little extra reading on the subject, and tortoises don't even practice monogamy in the wild, let alone keep a lifelong partner, so this relationship was against nature from jump. I'm sure the zookeepers know this as they claim to be passionate about reptiles. In fact, the husband and wife who owned the zoo (past tense because the husband has passed away, but the wife and their progeny run the place now) originally bonded over their shared passion for reptiles. So surely they knew exactly what was going on, I mean, they're experts, right? While I'm gawking and shaking my head at the audacity humans have to project their own ideals onto others (don't even get me started on how those ideals are even formed in the first place), Adam points out that it was never about the tortoises. As soon as he says it, it becomes obvious. Nobody wants to go to the zoo and see divorced pairs of animals. They want to go to the zoo and see happy couples getting along, eating tomatoes together, getting neck scratches together, sitting in the shade together, and hey--mating. Who doesn't like a good show? It's the same reason every movie plot is the same: Boy meets girl. Girl makes boy jump through hoops. Girl lives happily ever after. Boy lives miserably ever after placating girl but pretends like it's his life-passion. Oh, sorry. No, in the movies, the boy's not pretending. Well, the actor literally is, but the character is always all too happy to be the woman's object/slave. So it's no wonder the zoo keepers tried for eight goddamn years to keep the tortoises together. Their jobs were on the line! I guess they ended up building separate habitats for Bibi and Poldi. They did, however put a window in the wall separating the gardens in hopes that seeing one another might "rekindle" their "flame." Apparently whenever Bibi sees Poldi through this window, she hisses and otherwise ignores him and turns her back. The article seemed to portray Poldi as sort of indifferent and Bibi as aggressively hateful and resentful toward Poldi. This strikes me as oddly similar to the storyline people like to believe about their own heterosexual relationships: that the man relentlessly loves and admires the woman, no matter how tempestuous the woman becomes. In the case of the tortoises, I'm betting the bitter feelings are mutual. I don't really think zoos are even necessary in the first place. I guess the point of having them, in some cases, is because some humans feel the need to give certain species a safe place to reproduce, especially if the species is threatened by extinction. This is certainly understandable, and I don't necessarily disagree with the practice. On the other hand, I think the point of the regular old run of the mill zoo is, well--tourism and money for the city but under the guise of giving average joe citizens the opportunity to see animals they wouldn't otherwise get to see in their lifetime. In the real world, we wouldn't be chained to a desk crunching numbers or service window taking food orders. We'd be free to go where we want--when we want to go there. Thus, we'd have ample opportunities to witness wildlife in its natural environment. Unfortunately, you are chained to your desk, and traveling to places where you might be able to see polar bears and penguins swimming is very costly. So your only hope, unless you quit your job, is to just pay the $39.95 or whatever it is, and watch the depressed orca kick a football through a flaming hoop in exchange for what is probably a rotten fish. Then again, if you quit your job, you would certainly have the time to make a trip halfway around the world to see a wild panda bear, but that would be the last thing you do because you'd run out of money, and then you'd wind up homeless in China. Not that that's any better or worse than homeless anywhere else on the planet. Not to mention, the people who you put in charge will hunt you down and kill you, and if they don't kill you, they'll certainly leave you for dead, and there's no way you're getting to the Sahara to see a lion take down a gazelle like that. Comments are closed.
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